To further clarify something that I was talking about earlier, I think I have a pretty good idea as to what I want to do.
Thanks to various prodding and self-searching, I've decided that I want to go back to college. I am going to study accounting. In a way, this is going to fix my prior fuckup -- see, when I first was accepted to JMU, I had initially wanted to major in business, but then I saw that it was a BS and would require (ohshit) MATH CLASSES. I hated math because my trigonometry teacher was totally incompetent (he was taking classes on it at the community college the night before and teaching it to us the next morning. he was canned after the semester ended.) and gave me the impression that math beyond elementary shit was some mystifying concept that could only be understood to idiot savants. This was further reinforced when I took a Math 103 class at JMU and there was talk of shit like pronouns and concepts which baffled me, resulting in tests with 12 for a grade until I eventually stopped attending and failed. Seriously what the fuck was that about.
However! This time it will not scare me! Pretty much all colleges offer assistance/tutors/help with math. Computers and calculators are used to crunch a lot of the numbers in accounting jobs, and even then it's nothing that every single person alive uses in their everyday life. It's nothing to be afraid of, and I'm not going to let that be a road block anymore. And, strangely enough, outside of school I've found that I like crunching numbers, I like analyzing them. I think it'll be a good fit.
Plus, a lot of the schools that I've been looking at don't offer accounting as a standalone major, but you can major in Business/Business Administration with a concentration in Accounting. So now I can make up for lost time~
Since I fucked up with ODU and I'm in bad standing with them, it'll be my best bet to go to a community college and then transfer to a four-year. I'm seriously considering proving Massachusetts residency and going to Bunker Hill. It seems like the best cc that's fairly close to me, and I could take my choice of study and pretty much go to any public college in this state. (The one that most people in this town go to is Middlesex Community College, which I have ruled out because (a) no fucking way am I going to school in Lowell, and (b) the program I want to do will only transfer to ONE college in this state and it's way out in the ass end of the opposite side. Actually I pretty much ruled it out instantly due to their website being janky as fuck. No fucking excuse for that, my hometown's local cc website kicks that to the fucking moon.)
I'm still trying to figure the smaller details out, but you know what guys, I feel really good for the first time in like years. Having some semblance of direction, even if it does mean crawling back to the scam that is American higher education, is doing wonders for me. I kind of feel like I can actually do something with myself!
I told Ryan about it yesterday, and naturally he was supportive and excited about it. I asked him if he thought I'd be a good accountant, and he was all "Yeah, we know how meticulous you are!" and said that this, for me to finally find something that I could aspire to and put my drive, my mind, my fire into, was something that he's always wanted and was the reason why he started a relationship with me in the first place <3
Later I talked to my mom about it and oh fuck I wish I hadn't. When I told her that I wanted to go back to school, she immediately went on the defensive, saying "So I'm going to be footing the bill for this?" Jesus fucking christ. She keeps harping on me, bringing up how it's so hard on her to keep giving me financial help and she can't do it forever, but really, if I go back home, is she really going to be able to save anything? I'll still need money for gas, I'll still need money for food, and so on, so what difference is it going to make, really? As difficult as it's being for me to find a job here, it's going to be even more difficult back home, where practically every call from home is punctuated with what place is closing now and recently got the honor of being nationally recognized as an example of the blight that will soon come to the rest of the nation. Seriously now.
OH and when I brought up that I wanted to study accounting, the first thing she said was "Are you sure you can handle all that math?" ffffffffffff way to be supportive when I'm breaking new ground in my life. When I asked her what she thought I should do, she asked if there was anything in the medical field I'd be interested in, like a medical transcriber or medical secretary or some shit like that. Oh boomers. OK, first, we're not hurting for doctors since all the foreign educated doctors come here, we've already got enough qualified people doing the, the medical jobs that are hurting for people right now are nurses. Nursing, like teaching, is a profession that you should pursue if and only if you have an undying passion for it, because there aren't many benefits to doing it beyond doing the job itself. Education and training are costly and take long periods of time. Most nurses aren't paid enough for all that they have to do. Job security is a joke -- hospitals are always looking to cut costs, well we need doctors of course, we need some people to send bills, but hey we can always cut down on the nurses working on the floor! It's basically similar to the plight of your average contractor or entry-level worker, except odds are likely you'll burn the fuck out before you'll get laid off. Besides, the reason old people news keeps saying HEALTH CARE IS HOT FOR JOBS is that the boomers are aging and will need endless pills and tests to keep their decrepit asses together. Well, soon enough they're all going to be dead. Subsequent generations are not as populous. We'll end up with a surplus of medical workers -- what, then?
OK that last paragraph ended up being way too long but seriously fuck the boomers and fuck them for condescending to me when I treat their suggestion like the short-sighted moronic piece of shit it is
So eventually she then suggested that I try to go back to ODU and finish the degree I was previously working on. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. I'd have to reapply at ODU, and there's no guarantee they'll take me back. Even if I do go back, it'd only take at most two semesters to finish, but ultimately it's going to hurt me more than if I abandon it -- if I try to get a second bachelor's I won't be eligible for a lot of aid and grants and such, probably the the point where I couldn't go anyway. And then I'd be left with a degree in criminal justice. What the fuck can I do with that? That's the major for people who are too dumb to do anything else, but still not dumb enough to major in education. Be a cop I guess? I'd rather gargle asphalt.
Oh but she still said that accounting was a good major! and that it was her dream for me to get a degree! This is why my mom is so goddamn frustrating. When times are bad she's like an angel in human form but when things get better then she undermines me at every step! I don't understand where the fuck she comes from with most of her shit, and for the rest of her shit I do understand it but it's a lesser idea! OK in all fairness there are times where she's right and I admit it to her, but that doesn't negate any of this infuriating crap! This call she was so insistent on me going back to school in Virginia, but in a previous call when I mentioned that the Massachusetts residency requirement is six months for community college and one year for a university, she said "Hey, you've already done the six months, it won't be long before you'll be there a year". Christ. I don't even know what the fuck state I could be considered a resident of anyway, my bank account and cell phone billing and mailing address are in Massachusetts but I'm registered to vote in Virginia and my license is from there as well. Not to mention that ten month stint in Oklahoma. Knowing my luck I'm probably in some residency limbo where I'll be charged out of state tuition regardless of where I go.
Plus -- and this is going to sound really petty but I don't give a fuck -- I really do not want to go back to Virginia. I do not want to live in a suburban/rural area anymore. I've found that location deeply affects me in ways I don't know. And Virginia is very dark for me. I was depressed in Oklahoma, and I've been depressed in Massachusetts (it seems to be lifting as of late), but in retrospect I had excellent reasons to be. In Virginia, whether it was Fieldale or Harrisonburg, it was just a permanent depression, and I had no reasons for it. It's the same thing with living outside of urban/pseudo-urban settings. Have to drive everywhere just to do anything is demoralizing. I get nothing out of trees and grass. I'm tired of being in places where the populace's idea of fun is watching TV or smoking pot or being drunk from Thursday to Sunday for sheer lack of anything else to do. I need to get away from all of that so I can thrive.
Is it so wrong that I need things to thrive, and that they may not (gasp) be what ~*responsible*~ people do? That to get started on my life, I need to have things my way?